"Mother in Law "

QUESTION: "Five years ago my mother-in-law moved in with us. Unfortunately, it seems to be a pretty permanent situation, but she drives me nuts. She and my husband are of one political persuasion, I another. She babys him. She criticizes how I bring up my boys. My thought-talk is horrible and I fear that someday I will say what I am thinking, like why don't you drop dead and let me have my family back?

I'm 42, educated, social, normally very easy to get along with, but my attitude stinks when I'm around her. Any suggestions?"
Signed: Inquiring

I'll tackle your concerns one at a time: >She and my husband are of one political persuasion, I another.

Three surefire divisive topics in America today....Political differences, religion and sex! In my work as a professional speaker, I've been cautioned numerous times to avoid these topics if I want to keep my life simple and my work effective, because to discuss them is to risk dividing groups of people into them/us or me/you. My first suggestion is to consider the 'Is it worth it?' question. Is it worth it to you to debate politics with your husband and his mom,on the odd chance (very odd!) that they will change their mind? Is your point of viewd that persuasive? If not, I say either vote with your feet when the political difference comes up, or find a place of mild amusement in yourself and let em' talk to themselves! Here are a few great responses to statements of political certainty:
1. "I respect your right to your opinion, and I hope you'll respect my right not to have to listen to it!" Then leave the room, or pick up a book, or change the subject.
2. "Well, since you have it all worked out, I guess there's no need to involve me any further!" Then leave the room, pick up a book, or change the subject.
3. "When you say that, what are you really trying to say?" Continue to say this no matter what they say...through time, this creates a stone wall of frustration. Hopefully, they'll learn that the only way to stop hitting their head on it is to lay off!
4. "Never fall in love with politicians. They'll always break your heart." Great thing to say whenever political promises are being offered as evidence of something worthwhile.

Can you accept these people as they are, instead of wasting your energy wanting them to be different? As soon as you can accept them on their own terms, you've broken the cycle for yourself (you see, you don't accept them and they don't accept you, so you are actually doing the thing that you want them not to do!!!) I've found that when it comes to parents and in-laws, the best approach is to let them be who they are and stop personalizing it. That is a sign of greater maturity on your part, and it will give you enough perspective to begin paying attention to other aspects of their character and personality that are of greater value and interest for the long term success of your marraige!

This has got to be the touchiest area of the relationship! I'm not sure what kind of criticism she is offering you, but I do know that the best way to deal with criticism, at least for a short while, is to ask for more of it. (When you say X, what/who/where /when/how specifically?) It is disarming when you do this, it helps you get specifics instead of reacting to generalizations and your own sensitivities, and you may even discover a small point of truth in it that is useful. Of course, asking for more criticism is difficult to do, as it requires you to be resourceful rather than reactive, and to remember that breathing is more important than talking in the course of staying alive.

I would add to this that sometimes, you have to draw the line with people in a more assertive manner. Try discussing your feelings with your husband. Find out what your husband thinks about it that is different than what you think about it. Do your best to see and fully understand his point of view, and then to articulate your own. Team up with him to find a new approach that is mutually satisfying, looking for the opportunity relative to your marraige and happiness together. If a concerted effort to do this meets with total failure, you can say "I've done my best to be fair and reasonable about this. Now it's time for you to be fair and reasonable as well. Here is what I require to consent to your mother remaining in our home. If these conditions are not acceptable to you, this is what will happen." Then describe the steps you will take (and I don't know what those are for you, though I imagine you'll be more direct with his mom about your feelings, or that you will no longer respect some of her boundaries until she learns to respect yours.) It is essential throughout that you have a stead hand at the wheel through this stretch of turbulence in your life.

Last, I believe it is in your interest to ask yourself how it is possible that this is happening in YOUR life? Based on the idea that there is a weird magnetism on this planet that tends to draw experiences to us that teach us what we need to know in order to live the best lives we can, ask yourself: What is it in you that has made this kind of situation possible? (After all, you married this particular husband instead of some other one, and you consented to his mother moving in...)What would you do different if you could do it over again? What do you know now that you didn't know when this began, and how would you use that knowledge if you could begin again? What have you learned so far, and how can you apply that as leverage to make tomorrow different than yesterday?

p.s. in French, the word for mother-in-law is "belle-mere" which means pretty mother... Maybe English-speakers have the wrong attitude, non?

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