Ask Siggy Index

My roommate is impossible to live with. I'll try to make this short, but it's a long story...She let her rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate boyfriend live with us for 2 months and didn't think it was fair of me to ask him to pay rent. When I brought the subject up, she said I shouldn't care if he lived here since I made twice as much money as they did.(I'm paying my own way through school and have to work 40 hours a week to do it, while she lives off her parents and puts the money they send her in his bank account!!!!) She gave him a key w/o telling me; he brought all his pets to our apt. and moved most of his stuff in; his friends and even his job called here for and assumed this was his home!!! To top it off, when I tried to talk to her about this, he started screaming and cursing at my sister and me in our own apt. She's been staying at his grandma's house with him because she can't be away from him for 5 minutes and I didn't want him in our apt. after the way he acted (he never even apologized). Now she says that after spring break she's going to start staying here and that we can't do anything to stop her boyfriend from staying here. Should I tell her parents what's going on? They live in another state; but they told her in front of me that they wouldn't pay for her rent if she lived with her boyfriend. Help!!

Delirious"

Subj: Get Real With Roommate

Dear Delirious,

Breathe!

First, I have to tell you that when you said "She let her rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate boyfriend live with us for 2 months" , that is not exactly an accurate statement. Rather, it is a blaming statement that makes you the effect and her/him the cause. To be effective, you must be the cause! So let's begin by acknowledging the truth: You let her boyfriend live with the two of you for two months, and probably because you didn't know what else to do at the time. Nevertheless, you allowed it.

Now, remember that when dealing with people you can't stand, you always have a choice.
You can stay and suffer (you've been there and done that, haven't you!?!)
You can leave (cut your losses, move out, get another apartment) You can change your attitude (accept the unacceptable so you stop suffering about it)
You can change your behavior by choosing a desired outcome and then doing specific things to achieve it.

I find myself wondering about the kind of rental agreement you signed, and how you came to live with this particular room-mate to begin with. It seems to me that your rental agreement probably has some definite terms that must be honored regarding number of occupants, pets, etc. If you have both signed the rental agreement, then show your roommate the relevant portions of the agreement, and present her with a few choices. (1) She can move out and have her name removed from the rental agreement, leaving you free to find a more considerate person to share your living space; (2) She can honor the original agreement (I doubt that she's going to say 'I'm sorry' or anything along those lines, so you'd have to let bygones be bygones; or (3) She can renegotiate the agreement to produce an honorable and win-win settlement, one that is acceptable to both of you. If she is unwilling to choose, or finds none of these options to be acceptable, let her know your back-up plans...i.e., taking legal action, or involving the landlord in the dispute, or going over her head to her parents. From the way you've described this relationship, it sounds to me like there will be no love lost between you anyway no matter what you do, which means the ball really is in your court. A word of caution: If you do plan to tell her parents or involve the landlord, tell her that you plan to do it first, and give her a way to avoid this from happening. Your goal is not to make an enemy, but to solve a problem.

Good luck,
Siggy