"Ex wife annoying new wife "

QUESTION: "I am married to a man (5 years) that was married previously (8 years) and has two great kids from that union. My problem is that I can't seem to get a handle on the ex wife. I've tried "not getting involved", I've tried to "Kill her with kindness", I've tried to be firm and honest-everything I say she turns into something else, for example: when I was pregnant we asked her if when the baby was born and we brought him home from the hospital, could the big boys (my step sons) be there? In response we got a letter from her attorney with a written statement from her attached reading "my husbands current wife is ridiculous-she wants my children to watch the birth of her child" the attorney was requesting we cease and desist with our "demands" or further action would be taken. Now that the boys are older (we have a great relationship-lots of talking and sharing) they are starting to ask questions like Mom said you wanted us to watch when the baby was born, why?" I have made it a rule to never put her down or even contradict her to the boys, however, I feel like I need to clarify-everytime I do she turns it into me trying to turn the boys against her. I am not. I know they love their mother in that special way children do with their parents. I never want to hurt them by criticizing her...but I feel like a doormat, any suggestions?"
GG

You've managed yourself with great dignity in a difficult situation, and I commend you for choosing the high road, for recognizing your responsibility when the ex-spouse apparently could not! Now you've arrived at a time in the relationship when the boys of your husband's prior marraige are capable of observing truth for themselves, since action always speaks louder than words. So I first want to encourage you to trust the integrity of the children to achieve understanding and insight from your example rather than her misinformation. Children (and this includes teens) have a remarkable ability to recognize truth (and hypocracy).

Secondly, since you've tried voting with your feet and adjusting your attitude, and since you've even tried the straight on approach with her, now is the time to define clearly your desired outcome and orient all your behavior to achieving it. The boys' mother is jealous (not of what you have, but of what she doesn't have) and, from the sound of it, angry and disappointed in herself regarding her marraige to your husband. She is doing her best to prop herself up by trying to pull you down. Your best bet is to relax, to be honest, to continue to live by your own values and principles, and to send the boys' mom your best thoughts and prayers for her to see the error of her ways for the benefit of the children (and her relationship to them.)

Third: Your husband has a lot of say-so over this relationship between you and her. If he can do it, he ought to spend time with her cleaning up the past, letting go of blame over the past and having an ongoing dialogue about the best way to benefit the children in light of the fact that their marraige is over but their relationship will endure. It is impossible for YOU to resolve their difficulties (and thus your frustrated efforts!) It IS possible for your husband and his ex to achieve peace with honor. It takes time, committment to the outcome (I speak from experience), patience with the percieved shortcomings of his ex-, and a willingness to be responsible for his perceptions of her.

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