"Working with colleague "

"QUESTION: "Dear Siggy: I've been attempting to establish an effective working relationship with a fairly new co-worker to no avail. Our positions in the company are laterally equal, just different departments, and on a lot of projects we need to coordinate with each other. Personally, she's an energetic and friendly gal. But working together is a different story. I thought by now things would have smoothed out, but no. When she needs to work with me on something, she comes off like she's my boss, which is definitely not the case. It's her way or no way. When given input by me, she is very practiced at acting as though she might be giving a moment or two of serious thought to my idea, but very smoothly dismisses it with a lot of "non-talk". You know, statements that sound great, but actually say absolutely nothing. She also gets off on this mother role - even though we are the same age. When she does this, I instinctively revert to being a stubborn child again rebelling just for the sake of rebelling. She will also try to do an "end-run" around me by giving the project to any of my subordinates when I am not in the office, even though policy is that I approve the start of any projects in my department. She also will give just some vague idea of what she wants in her projects with the cast off statement "Just be creative" and off she goes. Once something concrete has been created, then she's in her element, picking it apart, and making so-called "suggestions" - I say "so-called" because these are in all actuality "orders", and she will repeatedly question why a project was not done her way to the letter. Let me make one thing clear right now - I have been hands-on this industry for over a decade, while she just happens to be peripherally involved for the first time in her career. I would like to believe that I have some good ideas and ways to accomplish projects. However, she will never give me the feeling that she respects my experience and skills in this area. I don't hate this woman, but she seems to be stirring up a lot of bad feelings, not just with me, but other departments. I have no desire to get management stirred up in this - we have different bosses - but I would like to sit down with her and resolve this situation so we can work together amicably and with mutual respect. I've got to get something done soon as it is not only affecting me, but it is demoralizing my staff to see projects come back again and again and again - (and we won't even get into the subject of the time & materials wasteage that I must account for in my department). So, how do I go about broaching the subject that I realize she has her job duties that she must accomplish with my help and that I have no problem with supporting her in those duties, but I will no longer be cast in the role of her secretary or child? Is there any hope for resolution" Sid

Well, it certainly sounds like you've got your plate full, what with your job responsibilities and the relationship building necessary to focus on them. My suggestion is that you: Plan A
1. Go to her and tell her the kind of working relationship you'd like to have.
2. Ask her for feedback...what aren't you doing that you should be. What are you doing that you shouldn't be. What are you doing that you could do better.
3. Implement the feedback for the next two weeks.
4. Ask if she's noticed the change.
5. Ask her if you can do the same with her. THen use Plan B

Plan B
1. Document each problem with her separately. This serves the purpose of sorting it out in your own mind (sometimes, sorting helps to clarify solutions that are not seen when all the various problems have merged together in your mind!) This further gives you the ability to talk to her about specific instances of specific problems rather than generalizations about 'always', 'never' etc.
2. When you have 4 or 5 clear instances of the problems you've described to me, with dates, locations, witnesses or people involved, consequences, costs, etc., you can approach her in an assertive (not agressive, but where you clearly will not back away) manner
3. Use the gentle confrontation approach:
The kind of working relationship you believe the two of you are capable of
The problem behavior preventing us from having this relationship
The examples of the problem behavior
The consequences of the problem behavior (start with organizationally, then interpersonally, then personally)
How you feel about things (be absolutely honest here, and talk about your feelings)
Finish with what you think will work better, what you'd like instead, or ask her what she can do differently in the future to produce the better working relationship

If it seems she is unreceptive to the discussion, you must also be prepared to tell her what you're backup plan is (i.e., going to a superior, in which case she is welcome to represent herself and come with you...remember, you've got documentation at this point). Then try again.

Persistance pays. Try to complete this with her around one problem at a time. Prepare yourself mentally ahead of time. And in due time, your relationship will evolve into one of true colleagues. It isn't uncommon for great working relationships to go through a rocky adjustment period. Be of good cheer, focus on the outcome you want, and begin.

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